Mama Always ~ L.A. Brown, Author

I'm beside myself. I can't imagine her not being here. Her body, I don't recognize, it has been ravished beyond recognition, but her eyes...I would know her in a heartbeat. My Cousin is dying, and I can't do anything about it but pray and tell her I love her. And cry. We had so many good times. One summer sticks in my mind like gorilla glue. I saw my first concert with her. Disneyland and Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. We were pretty close to the stage, not the pit, obviously, but close enough to see their faces. I learned how to body surf on her watch that summer. I went to summer school with her one year, I think it was the same summer. We went to a local drug store with her Mom, and bought barrel pickles. I ate all of mine and half of hers and ralphed all over. My Aunt made me clean it up myself for eating the rest of my Cousin's pickle when I was warned not to. We listened to Paper Lace...The night Chicago Died, Billy Don't be a Hero. That was some ...

Those words came flooding into my mind yesterday morning as I wrestled with a question of whether or not my Mouse should have a certain scan done. Let me back up some to Wednesday. Last Wednesday night, after a particularly difficult day, I ended up taking my Mouse to the ER. As soon as we walked in, the Triage Team went to work on her, getting her vitals and running to get some oxygen. When you have an O2 reading of 79, people start moving...quickly. Some four and a half hours later, they had her transferred to a room. And here we sit, maybe for another week. Yesterday, however, was a bit of a stresser, not that all of the past six days haven't been, but yesterday was all about ultrasounds and making a decision that could damage a major organ. The risk was slight, we came to find out, but still, without a lot of communication going on, it was hard to make a decision. Keep in mind, Mouse has Down Syndrome. At three months old she had patent ductus surgery to close it (a Paten...

How do you cope with impending grief? The heart-wrenching, gut twisting truth, staring you in the face? How do you, a Child of the Most High, deal with a situation before its seen its finish? Do you continue on, a smile on your face, knowing and seeing the truth before you, or do you face it head on with tears, and visible grief? That's the question I'm faced with right now. I'm watching, day by day, a once stunning woman dwindle into a skeleton of herself, and yet, when I look at her eyes, I still see that beauty as she was...young, full of life, carefree. I know her history, it hasn't always been peaches and cream, as it were, there were plenty of dark days, times when she wanted to hide, and did. She has always been my friend, and a surrogate sister, and I will always love her, but life is coming due. We all know, despite our efforts to try and avert it, that time marches on. For some, it's a pleasant journey, and perhaps they are born again, or not. Their e...