Those words came flooding into my mind yesterday morning as I wrestled with a question of whether or not my Mouse should have a certain scan done. Let me back up some to Wednesday.
Last Wednesday night, after a particularly difficult day, I ended up taking my Mouse to the ER. As soon as we walked in, the Triage Team went to work on her, getting her vitals and running to get some oxygen. When you have an O2 reading of 79, people start moving...quickly. Some four and a half hours later, they had her transferred to a room. And here we sit, maybe for another week.
Yesterday, however, was a bit of a stresser, not that all of the past six days haven't been, but yesterday was all about ultrasounds and making a decision that could damage a major organ. The risk was slight, we came to find out, but still, without a lot of communication going on, it was hard to make a decision.
Keep in mind, Mouse has Down Syndrome. At three months old she had patent ductus surgery to close it (a Patent Ductus ligation), then at 9 months old, she had a complete A-V canal repair. When that happened, we almost lost her. However, God works in mysterious ways, and not only was she restored to us, but He restored me as well. On October 27, 1983 at 2:22 p.m., I accepted Jesus in my life, and it has never been the same since. Getting back to the hospital...
Since getting here, Mouse has had x-rays, a regular CAT scan, an EKG, an ultrasound on her heart, and an ultrasound on both of her legs. The regular CAT scan showed the pneumonia, but didn't detect much else. She had had a test called a D-Dimer when she was in the ER, and it was elevated. The doctors all have been scrambling to find out why, and what I had been told was that the CAT scan with contrast was the only way. The only problem with it was it had a history of kidney damage. So here's where my dilemma lay. Do I just do the scan with the "hydrating" contrast, or do I do the one with the IV contrast. I was tired, overwhelmed and scared when I left her room and went to the waiting room to pray about it.
While I was sitting there praying, my mind was flooded with the words, "Do you trust Me?" I stopped my prayer and just listened. Again, "Do you trust Me?" came into my head. I mumbled that I did, but that I was scared. Then the words, "You trusted Me before with her, trust Me again." By this time, I decided that I must be a bit delirious from lack of sleep, so I continued to pray. "Do you trust Me?"
I ignored that one. Then a bit louder, "Do you trust Me?" This one made me stop. Out loud, I said that I did. "Then trust Me now."
I had called my youngest Daughter before sitting down to pray. If anything happened to us, she would be the one who would be taking care of Mouse. I had told her what I knew at that point, and asked her opinion. She suggested to take the safer course, and at that point, I was in agreement. After praying, I called my Husband and told him what was going on, the risks for both tests, and the accuracy of the expected results. At this point, the doctors were looking for pulmonary embolisms and/or DVT's. He listened to me, hearing the stress in my voice, and gently told me that we had to take the risk, because if there were blood clots present and we didn't catch them, then we could lose her. I agreed, then went to tell the nurse what we decided. What happened after that could only be described as a flurry of activity.
When all was said and done, the prep work and scan took all of an hour and she was back in her room. We had already seen all of the doctors for the day, so it was hurry up and wait. Come the night, as I was thinking about the scan, the story of Peter walking on the water came to mind. Peter trusted Jesus when He told him to come and take His hand. I imagine the other Disciples on the boat probably thought that Peter had lost his mind. They said that it was a ghost out on the water, but Peter, being true to himself and acting before he was thinking, hopped out of the boat and landed smack dab on top of the water. Seeing the footing was pretty sturdy, he looked ahead at Jesus and began to walk, but the walk wasn't a pleasant one. He got distracted by the waves that were in turmoil around him, and he took his eyes off Jesus. Right then, he began to sink, and cried out for Jesus to save him. Jesus took his hand and pulled him up and asked why he had so little faith.
This story caused me to think about the past six days. Jesus has been our Redeemer, our Rock and our Salvation. We have trusted Him in so many areas...our home, our finances, our family, and this time with Mouse's health on the line, this should have been a no-brainer. But is wasn't. I was frustrated with the fact that our communication with the doctors was minimal at best. I had our cardiologist explain everything to me and she said the scan with hydration or the VQ Scan, was nothing more than a glorified ultrasound, and if the tests came back with a false positive or with questionable results, that they would do the CAT scan with contrast (IV) anyway to pinpoint. It was an useless step. So we went with the more invasive one, and at that point last night, Mouse was doing well. Imagine my surprise when the on-call doctor said we might be here another week. **sigh**
So, it's back to trusting that God has this all planned out. That He knows how its going to go and how long its going to take to get her back on her chubby feet. And I'm going to have to say, that today, even with the news we might be here a bit longer, that its easier to trust that He is working for her good.
As I sit here typing this out, I have to shake my head at my constant lack of faith. Don't get me wrong, I'm not faltering in my faith in Jesus, its just that being the fallible, head-strong human that I am, I want to do things my way, in my time because I don't have the "faith" to believe that God knows what He's doing. And He will sit back on His Throne, this look on His face that says, "whenever you're ready to hand it over, I'll be here." Trust me, when I'm frustrated enough with my own efforts, I humbly come and lay it at His feet and ask Him to take it and deal with it. And I will shake my head at my own stubbornness and wonder why I didn't just skip the useless step and give it to Him in the first place.