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Until we walk those streets of gold together, rest in peace, dear Debi.

I sat here and looked at my blank screen for quite a while. I want to say so much, but I don't know what to say or where to start. My first best friend, my Sister-Cousin Debi, has gone to Glory.

Its not as if we didn't expect her passing, because we did. We knew this was coming, even with all of the prayers for complete healing, we still knew. And, I daresay, we mentioned to God for His will to be done, knowing that He was finishing his preparation for her to go Home, but still we held out hope.

Debi was released to home hospice I think about three weeks ago, with the warning that she had between 48 hours and two months left. There was hopeful news in there, too...her lungs were clear as a bell. It made me think we were on an upward trend, and encouraged me to continue to pray for healing. But in the back of my mind, I knew. Lord, I knew that her time was limited. So I went down there to her one more time. I spent more time with her...I made her laugh, checked her throwing arm…

Anticipation...anticipation...

Well, I'm home from a weekend seeing my cousin, Debi. To be honest with you, even when I left, I felt that things were not going to go well. Apparently God has different plans. Now whether or not He is going to go all out or not is yet to be seen, but as I mentioned above, I'm more than willing to wait in eager anticipation.

When I got to my parent's house Thursday, I was beat (my Cousin and her family live next door). I told my parents that I'd go next door to see her the next day. Her daughters and grandsons came in on Friday morning,and I went with Mom and Dad to Benson earlier in the day. After lunch/dinner, I told them I was going next door. When I hiked the, oh, 1/32nd of an acre to their door, I was greeted by my Cousin-in-Love and his son. I was a little surprised at how much weight she had lost since my last visit in January. Not much meat on those bones. I talked with her for a little bit, but she got tired easily, so I left.

The next day, Kristina and I went…

Debs

This has been a tough weekend, no doubt about it. Seeing my cousin was all at once wonderful, but the circumstances makes it tough. Hands down, probably one of the toughest.

My dear cousin, the one fighting cancer, is fighting the good fight, but she's tired. The fight is almost over for her, and part of me is glad...a very small part. The other, larger part of me wants to see her miraculously healed, jumping up and suggesting we go shopping, or to Tombstone, or horseback riding, but the whole of me is in actuality, a realist. I want to believe that will happen, but the reality of it is, she's winding down. She's ready for the pain to be over. She's ready to hang up her gloves...and I'm sad.

I've also seen a side of my Cousin-in-Law that makes me glad that she chose him, almost 38 years ago, to be her husband. I mentioned before, I was in her wedding, met him then. Thought he was a bit...over the top maybe. But she loved him with a fierce love, and that love ha…

Broken-hearted and it's cancer's fault.

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I'm beside myself. I can't imagine her not being here. Her body, I don't recognize, it has been ravished beyond recognition, but her eyes...I would know her in a heartbeat.

My Cousin is dying, and I can't do anything about it but pray and tell her I love her. And cry.

We had so many good times. One summer sticks in my mind like gorilla glue.

I saw my first concert with her. Disneyland and Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. We were pretty close to the stage, not the pit, obviously, but close enough to see their faces. I learned how to body surf on her watch that summer. I went to summer school with her one year, I think it was the same summer.
We went to a local drug store with her Mom, and bought barrel pickles. I ate all of mine and half of hers and ralphed all over. My Aunt made me clean it up myself for eating the rest of my Cousin's pickle when I was warned not to.

We listened to Paper Lace...The night Chicago Died, Billy Don't be a Hero. That was some summer a…

Do you trust Me?

Those words came flooding into my mind yesterday morning as I wrestled with a question of whether or not my Mouse should have a certain scan done. Let me back up some to Wednesday.

Last Wednesday night, after a particularly difficult day, I ended up taking my Mouse to the ER. As soon as we walked in, the Triage Team went to work on her, getting her vitals and running to get some oxygen. When you have an O2 reading of 79, people start moving...quickly. Some four and a half hours later, they had her transferred to a room. And here we sit, maybe for another week.

Yesterday, however, was a bit of a stresser, not that all of the past six days haven't been, but yesterday was all about ultrasounds and making a decision that could damage a major organ. The risk was slight, we came to find out, but still, without a lot of communication going on, it was hard to make a decision.

Keep in mind, Mouse has Down Syndrome. At three months old she had patent ductus surgery to close it (a Patent Duc…

When the time comes...

How do you cope with impending grief? The heart-wrenching, gut twisting truth, staring you in the face? How do you, a Child of the Most High, deal with a situation before its seen its finish? Do you continue on, a smile on your face, knowing and seeing the truth before you, or do you face it head on with tears, and visible grief?
That's the question I'm faced with right now.

I'm watching, day by day, a once stunning woman dwindle into a skeleton of herself, and yet, when I look at her eyes, I still see that beauty as she was...young, full of life, carefree. I know her history, it hasn't always been peaches and cream, as it were, there were plenty of dark days, times when she wanted to hide, and did. She has always been my friend, and a surrogate sister, and I will always love her, but life is coming due.

We all know, despite our efforts to try and avert it, that time marches on. For some, it's a pleasant journey, and perhaps they are born again, or not. Their end i…

What if

What if the road you're on is not the road that God would have chosen for you? What if your decisions were in effect, the essence of turning your back to His calling? What if.

I was watching a film, of that name, today with Mouse. Made me wonder, especially when the lead, Kevin Sorbo, talked about Moses and the burning bush. Moses made all kinds of excuses as to why he couldn't lead the Israelites out of Egypt. What if Ramses didn't believe that God told him to take them out of Egypt. What if he didn't believe the signs and wonders that he performed in front of him? He didn't have the eloquent speech that others had, and on and on. The conversation was full of what ifs. Then God told Moses, Who made you? If you think you can't speak well enough, then there's Aaron, go tell him to speak for you. I AM WHO I AM.

The thing is, what if we actually listened to God's prompting for our lives? Would we live perfectly, never knowing want or hurt or anger or fear?…